This day reminds me of the song East from West by Casting Crowns. Christ says that he forgives our sins as far as the east from the west. Yet in the bible it says we will go the the seat of judgement. I struggle with the thought at times of all the "sinning" that I have done. My big ones I should say. Daily I struggle with the "little things" but to God sin is sin and holiness is holiness. So, I just have to choose to wrap my arms around God's forgiveness. I just can't imagine that in my worst moments that he wants to forgive me. My heart is in awe of the love and forgiveness that Jesus' blood has covered for me!
So, I do want to give Jesus all of me again. I know, because I am a controller, that I want to hold on to parts of my life. I have that wrong thinking that "I can do it". I will give it over again and try to leave it at the feet of the cross and just rest in his arms. I need to remember that I am a child and as a child I am to take instruction and if I do not follow I will be corrected. This was a day that was a bit heavy but in the end I feel excitement because I know that my eternal destination in heaven with my Heavenly Father!! I know that he will carry me when I am down, all I have to do is ask!!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Day 19 - Love is Impossible
I am secure in my relationship with the Lord! I had messed up my life in such a horrible way that I knew my only way to sanity was through him! Each time I choose to step aside and do it my way, it seems like everything goes wrong. For me, I accepted Christ on the worst day of my life but isn't amazing that God changed that day for his glory! He made it all about him instead of that destructive day being all about me and how bad I messed up my life.
I know that I still need strength and grace in a huge way with the challenge of day 6 - Love is Not Irritable. I struggle with my mood at times. If I feel out of control in any area of my life my tendency is to "control" everything else. It hurts everyone around me and gets me into a mess each time. My biggest struggle is that Andy is still smoking. His addiction is so strong and I can't imagine what he goes through daily with his conviction to stop. I know he desire is to stop but it has not happened in the past 2 yr since his heart attack. My struggle is making it about me. I know that I make a conscience choice to get worked up and then be short with him. I allow myself to go down a destructive path an think about what it will be like to be a single mom since I feel he will die so young and leave me alone with OUR children. Those actions and reaction do nothing good for me though. I know that if I were to take it to the Lord in prayer and plead with God that He will hear me and he will give Andy the strength some day. This is my largest lesson in control or maybe 2nd. Once I gave up controlling Andy's drinking he became sober, so I am really working on releasing this too~
This verse has changed our marriage and I just love both versions! This is my prayer today....That I will put my words aside and show Andy my love and adoration with my actions! So hard, I love to communicate....I have to learn that words don't need to communicate everything though!!!
1 Peter 3: 1-2 (New International Version)
1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
1 Peter 3: 1-2 (New Living Translation)
Wives 1 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over 2 by observing your pure and reverent lives.
I know that I still need strength and grace in a huge way with the challenge of day 6 - Love is Not Irritable. I struggle with my mood at times. If I feel out of control in any area of my life my tendency is to "control" everything else. It hurts everyone around me and gets me into a mess each time. My biggest struggle is that Andy is still smoking. His addiction is so strong and I can't imagine what he goes through daily with his conviction to stop. I know he desire is to stop but it has not happened in the past 2 yr since his heart attack. My struggle is making it about me. I know that I make a conscience choice to get worked up and then be short with him. I allow myself to go down a destructive path an think about what it will be like to be a single mom since I feel he will die so young and leave me alone with OUR children. Those actions and reaction do nothing good for me though. I know that if I were to take it to the Lord in prayer and plead with God that He will hear me and he will give Andy the strength some day. This is my largest lesson in control or maybe 2nd. Once I gave up controlling Andy's drinking he became sober, so I am really working on releasing this too~
This verse has changed our marriage and I just love both versions! This is my prayer today....That I will put my words aside and show Andy my love and adoration with my actions! So hard, I love to communicate....I have to learn that words don't need to communicate everything though!!!
1 Peter 3: 1-2 (New International Version)
1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
1 Peter 3: 1-2 (New Living Translation)
Wives 1 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over 2 by observing your pure and reverent lives.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Day 18 - Love Seeks to Understand
We finally got a date night! Since Andy's mom passed away a month ago, life has been hard. We have bee busy trying to catch up from being gone 9 days and each of us have been dealing with our emotions in different ways. I have been sick but planned a date night anyways!
When we have a date, it's always enjoyable and peaceful. We talk but we do not normally try to learn something NEW about one another, so this was fun! I brought a list of fun questions to talk about. I would ask him a question and learn something new about Andy's dreams, passions or his past. The biggest thing that I heard was Andy's level of contentment with his life. One question was, If you could change places with anyone in your sphere of influence, who would it be and why? Well, he said no one. He said he loves where he's at and no one he knows has a better life than him!!! He does not envy another persons family or things more than what we have. This was just such a gift to hear because like many other people, we have taken a huge hit with this economy and life is hard financially, he just lost his mom, and we have been through so much pain in our marriage... It was just so comforting to hear that he would not change any of it. He would not even make it easier! I respect my husband even more just knowing all this and I would have never known if I did not ASK!!
I will continue this journey! It was so fun! We laughed so hard about each of our answers at times but most of all we talked about so many new things, we just don't do this very often, so it was a treat! I plan on getting a fun book of questions and will take it on some date nights and maybe just bring it out instead of watching TV some nights, it sure was fun to learn new things about my husband who I have known for 14 years!
When we have a date, it's always enjoyable and peaceful. We talk but we do not normally try to learn something NEW about one another, so this was fun! I brought a list of fun questions to talk about. I would ask him a question and learn something new about Andy's dreams, passions or his past. The biggest thing that I heard was Andy's level of contentment with his life. One question was, If you could change places with anyone in your sphere of influence, who would it be and why? Well, he said no one. He said he loves where he's at and no one he knows has a better life than him!!! He does not envy another persons family or things more than what we have. This was just such a gift to hear because like many other people, we have taken a huge hit with this economy and life is hard financially, he just lost his mom, and we have been through so much pain in our marriage... It was just so comforting to hear that he would not change any of it. He would not even make it easier! I respect my husband even more just knowing all this and I would have never known if I did not ASK!!
I will continue this journey! It was so fun! We laughed so hard about each of our answers at times but most of all we talked about so many new things, we just don't do this very often, so it was a treat! I plan on getting a fun book of questions and will take it on some date nights and maybe just bring it out instead of watching TV some nights, it sure was fun to learn new things about my husband who I have known for 14 years!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Day #17 - Love Promotes Intimacy
Well, to be honest. I am all or nothing in this arena. I can be a great listener or I can sit there and think the whole time he talks about what I will say next. I was really convicted by this from our bible study this week. I do not see myself as an active listener,just a listener. I like to debate, in a healthy way. I love communication and to learn all angles of a topic that we are discussing. I love to be a student and then teach what I learn! I know that Andy would be happy from time to time if I would just listen and hear his heart, that is it! Not add my little thought or my feeling about what he said.
I do have to say that I have grown miles and miles in the past 11yrs in this. I would slam him in most conversations for about 8-9yr. I have learned to listen alot better. I have not "slammed" Andy in a long time, since I realized that it is all about my selfish desire when I do that anyways.
What I have learned today is that I need to hear Andy and not look into what he is saying. Because he is a man, he normally means just what he says...Unlike women who speak in code alot of times =) We had our first good talk, last night, in 3 weeks. It was hard because I did not agree with Andy but we really made it through the conversation and we were able to hear our hearts in the end. It was good. I hate when life gets to busy and we put one another aside, it hurts...I need to grow up and put Andy first on my list again!
I do have to say that I have grown miles and miles in the past 11yrs in this. I would slam him in most conversations for about 8-9yr. I have learned to listen alot better. I have not "slammed" Andy in a long time, since I realized that it is all about my selfish desire when I do that anyways.
What I have learned today is that I need to hear Andy and not look into what he is saying. Because he is a man, he normally means just what he says...Unlike women who speak in code alot of times =) We had our first good talk, last night, in 3 weeks. It was hard because I did not agree with Andy but we really made it through the conversation and we were able to hear our hearts in the end. It was good. I hate when life gets to busy and we put one another aside, it hurts...I need to grow up and put Andy first on my list again!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Day #16 - Love Intercedes - Nicole
I sure have experienced the power of prayer! As I shared with you, Andy's birth mom just passed away on Feb 13. We were across the country in Pennsylvania when we got the news. There was nothing we could do but there was so much to get done. We needed to see how we could afford plane tickets when it's already tough to meet bills, who would watch our children, where would be stay in Idaho, when would we leave, how Andy would still keep business running in Arizona & this would mean a 2nd week of me not being able to work also.
Well, after we wipe away a million tears all we could do was pray. These were too many details for us to meet under such stress. On top of all that we were in PA helping Tim Kimmel with Family Matters @ this Weekend to Remember Conference. We had a big responsibility and we wanted to do a great job for his ministry! So, in our silence, we just prayed and prayed and prayed. God, we are helpless! We are away from what we know and where we can get help. All we have is you!! You are all we need and here are our needs. We need you, we love you and we know that you work all things together for good, so will you take care of our details? Will you carry us through God, this is way to big for us!
Here is how God pulled it all together in just 3 days! We were given a gift of plane tickets, Our children went with friends and our parents, We were on a plane the day after we came home from PA to Idaho. We were invited to stay with Andy's cousin Jim & Jill in Idaho and they also drove us around for those 4 days we were there. The funeral as beautiful and Andy & I were able to be with, love and serve his family in Idaho for those 4 short days! The pastor even gave the message of salvation during the funeral, it was just awesome! One of the greatest things also is that at the marriage conference, marriage were restored, rekindled, learned to pray, learned to put God first, learned to fight fair and learned how to respect one another. There were so many people who gave their life to Christ, people who recommitted their life to Christ and those who are choosing to allow the Holy Spirit to work and not them anymore!
So, our God is so big! He can cover the details in life if we give them to him! Walking in faith is a hard thing to do but it was the biggest gift we could have received at that time! It is an honor to pray for Andyduring this time, this is hard and I can't fix it but through daily prayer, God will do for him what I cant!
To God be the glory, even in the sudden loss of Andy's birth mom Kristy! This is a song that I sent her thanking her for giving Andy such a gift, life! If your life is touched by adoption, I am sure you will love this like us. It means even more today that ever!!
http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=47bfb48d43cd7a245beb
Well, after we wipe away a million tears all we could do was pray. These were too many details for us to meet under such stress. On top of all that we were in PA helping Tim Kimmel with Family Matters @ this Weekend to Remember Conference. We had a big responsibility and we wanted to do a great job for his ministry! So, in our silence, we just prayed and prayed and prayed. God, we are helpless! We are away from what we know and where we can get help. All we have is you!! You are all we need and here are our needs. We need you, we love you and we know that you work all things together for good, so will you take care of our details? Will you carry us through God, this is way to big for us!
Here is how God pulled it all together in just 3 days! We were given a gift of plane tickets, Our children went with friends and our parents, We were on a plane the day after we came home from PA to Idaho. We were invited to stay with Andy's cousin Jim & Jill in Idaho and they also drove us around for those 4 days we were there. The funeral as beautiful and Andy & I were able to be with, love and serve his family in Idaho for those 4 short days! The pastor even gave the message of salvation during the funeral, it was just awesome! One of the greatest things also is that at the marriage conference, marriage were restored, rekindled, learned to pray, learned to put God first, learned to fight fair and learned how to respect one another. There were so many people who gave their life to Christ, people who recommitted their life to Christ and those who are choosing to allow the Holy Spirit to work and not them anymore!
So, our God is so big! He can cover the details in life if we give them to him! Walking in faith is a hard thing to do but it was the biggest gift we could have received at that time! It is an honor to pray for Andyduring this time, this is hard and I can't fix it but through daily prayer, God will do for him what I cant!
To God be the glory, even in the sudden loss of Andy's birth mom Kristy! This is a song that I sent her thanking her for giving Andy such a gift, life! If your life is touched by adoption, I am sure you will love this like us. It means even more today that ever!!
http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=47bfb48d43cd7a245beb
Monday, February 16, 2009
Please forgive us....
We are so sorry for not having a post for awhile.
We were attending an incredible Weekend to Remember Marriage conference in Hershey,PA this weekend when we got news that Andy's birth mom has died. This came out of no where and needless to say, we are struggling with her loss. We found her 3yrs ago and have loved getting to know her and our new family, so it makes this loss hard because we were just building a relationship and loving it. We are flying to Idaho Tues-Fri this week to be with the family and attend services.
If you would, keep us in your prayers, we would be so grateful. Neither of us have ever lost anyone close to us, so these are new emotions and feelings that are coming up. Also, "grandma" is still alive and this is the 4Th child she will bury on Wed. Her other daughter died just 2 mo ago from brain cancer, so please life her up too, her name is Evelyn~
Thanks for understanding, we will be back to the blog soon!
In Him,
Nicole & Andy
We were attending an incredible Weekend to Remember Marriage conference in Hershey,PA this weekend when we got news that Andy's birth mom has died. This came out of no where and needless to say, we are struggling with her loss. We found her 3yrs ago and have loved getting to know her and our new family, so it makes this loss hard because we were just building a relationship and loving it. We are flying to Idaho Tues-Fri this week to be with the family and attend services.
If you would, keep us in your prayers, we would be so grateful. Neither of us have ever lost anyone close to us, so these are new emotions and feelings that are coming up. Also, "grandma" is still alive and this is the 4Th child she will bury on Wed. Her other daughter died just 2 mo ago from brain cancer, so please life her up too, her name is Evelyn~
Thanks for understanding, we will be back to the blog soon!
In Him,
Nicole & Andy
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Day #15 - Love is Honorable - Nicole
I know that Andy loves when I seek his input about any situation. The other night I had a situation that I needed his guidance on. I asked for his advice and wisdom about a big decision that was brought to me. We were able to talk and he was able to shed a LARGE light on the situation. He opened my eyes and helped me to see the next steps that I need to take. It was so enjoyable to "talk" together. I do love when he is sharing his wise words with me. That is a way I can honor him more, bringing him into my world and allowing him to speak into it.
I struggle with independence and making quick decisions. I have a great group of women in my life that I am able to seek advice from. They are godly women and I trust them with my life. I am blessed to have these new friendships with these women but I can tend to rely on them vs Andy at times. If I disagree with their idea it's no big deal if I make a different choice. If I disagree with Andy I don't want him to think I am stepping over him if I do not go with his idea.
So, I know that I can honor Andy by seeking his wisdom or advice more often. I can seek his guidance, even on the little things. I know it will bring us closer and help me to be ONE with my husband! It will be a great example to our children too... So, once again, I have a bit of work ahead of me! I am excited to see what will happen! I love to seek out what the bible says, ask my mentor to guide me or even call a friend but I need to change up that order for some decisions!
I know I have not been the most regular with my "Dares" but every time I do them I really have an opportunity to search my heart and relationships...not only with God and Andy but all those who are in my life! It just brings me to a place of gratefulness for all the incredible people God has brought into my life!
I struggle with independence and making quick decisions. I have a great group of women in my life that I am able to seek advice from. They are godly women and I trust them with my life. I am blessed to have these new friendships with these women but I can tend to rely on them vs Andy at times. If I disagree with their idea it's no big deal if I make a different choice. If I disagree with Andy I don't want him to think I am stepping over him if I do not go with his idea.
So, I know that I can honor Andy by seeking his wisdom or advice more often. I can seek his guidance, even on the little things. I know it will bring us closer and help me to be ONE with my husband! It will be a great example to our children too... So, once again, I have a bit of work ahead of me! I am excited to see what will happen! I love to seek out what the bible says, ask my mentor to guide me or even call a friend but I need to change up that order for some decisions!
I know I have not been the most regular with my "Dares" but every time I do them I really have an opportunity to search my heart and relationships...not only with God and Andy but all those who are in my life! It just brings me to a place of gratefulness for all the incredible people God has brought into my life!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Day #14 - Love Takes Delight - Nicole
SUPERBOWL!!! I gave it up... Here is the story!
Well, I am the outgoing social one in our marriage! I love to go to get together's and meet new people. I love a new challenge and opportunity! I married the sweetest, quietest man who loves simplicity in life. He only needs a handful of friends and is often content with being home just with the 5 of us. He does not require entertainment and activities. (thus why it has taken Andy so long to jump back on 40Day, he has a lot going with work, coaching little league, on the board for little league and keeping on track with health & sobriety)
Anyways, I gave up going to the Sunday school class Superbowl Party! Not that I was extremely excited about the game, but I was elated to socialize with all the women and have our children meet some new friends from church. We just started this class 3 weeks ago and it is wonderful, Andy even likes it! I did get excited and as Andy would say "sell" it to the kids then say "Dad, do you think we can go?" Oops, bad idea, I should have talked with him before bringing up the whole thing at dinner. Andy is a great sport and said we could go! I was so excited!! Well, Sunday Superbowl day comes and his parents called and invited us to be with them and some family friends who were visiting from Idaho, who are like family. Andy mentioned that he is happy going to the "party" but to be honest would rather be at a low key event. I knew at that moment I needed to honor him. But what about the kids??? No problem, Nana & Papa have a new puppy and they will have fun! I talked with the kids and they were excited about the new party too!
So, I gave up an opportunity to socialize with about 30-40 people so we could be with family in a much smaller setting. We were together as a family and that is all that mattered! It went incredible, we had the best time watching our incredible CARDINALS play a great game even though they lost, we were still so proud of them! What did I learn about Andy?? Well, to stop & think before I make a commitment or decision. To talk with him first and give him time to process. To make sure I look at our calendar and not put too much on our plate in a week. To listen and actually hear Andy before I just do what I want. I also learned that Andy has great judgement, once again! He knows when things are moving too fast and to "slow this train down" as he calls it! He helps me to see the benefits of a slower pace and I help him step it up sometimes, we are a great match! I am glad I gave up a party to be with my family!!
Well, I am the outgoing social one in our marriage! I love to go to get together's and meet new people. I love a new challenge and opportunity! I married the sweetest, quietest man who loves simplicity in life. He only needs a handful of friends and is often content with being home just with the 5 of us. He does not require entertainment and activities. (thus why it has taken Andy so long to jump back on 40Day, he has a lot going with work, coaching little league, on the board for little league and keeping on track with health & sobriety)
Anyways, I gave up going to the Sunday school class Superbowl Party! Not that I was extremely excited about the game, but I was elated to socialize with all the women and have our children meet some new friends from church. We just started this class 3 weeks ago and it is wonderful, Andy even likes it! I did get excited and as Andy would say "sell" it to the kids then say "Dad, do you think we can go?" Oops, bad idea, I should have talked with him before bringing up the whole thing at dinner. Andy is a great sport and said we could go! I was so excited!! Well, Sunday Superbowl day comes and his parents called and invited us to be with them and some family friends who were visiting from Idaho, who are like family. Andy mentioned that he is happy going to the "party" but to be honest would rather be at a low key event. I knew at that moment I needed to honor him. But what about the kids??? No problem, Nana & Papa have a new puppy and they will have fun! I talked with the kids and they were excited about the new party too!
So, I gave up an opportunity to socialize with about 30-40 people so we could be with family in a much smaller setting. We were together as a family and that is all that mattered! It went incredible, we had the best time watching our incredible CARDINALS play a great game even though they lost, we were still so proud of them! What did I learn about Andy?? Well, to stop & think before I make a commitment or decision. To talk with him first and give him time to process. To make sure I look at our calendar and not put too much on our plate in a week. To listen and actually hear Andy before I just do what I want. I also learned that Andy has great judgement, once again! He knows when things are moving too fast and to "slow this train down" as he calls it! He helps me to see the benefits of a slower pace and I help him step it up sometimes, we are a great match! I am glad I gave up a party to be with my family!!
Day #13 - Love Fights Fair - Nicole
Time goes by fast! I am back on track today.
Healthy Rules of Engagement
1. No yelling
2. No Anger
3. No Always, Never (extreme) statements
4. No bringing up events/situations further back than 3 days- PAST IS A NO NO!!
5. No "discussions" around the children
6. If 1 of us asks for a "break" and to come back and talk, then we agree and don't push it
7. Repeat back feeling statements
8. Separate Facts & Feelings. Those are normally 2 different conversations
9. No "telling" friends our dirty laundry unless we both agree on an issue to share
10. Do not say "I am OK, when you are not" Honestly ALWAYS!
11. TIMING, is one of the biggest factors in a smooth discussion!
12. HALT: Check if one of these may be setting you off, if so, HALT the conversation! It will go south quickly! HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY TIRED
I think those are the main ones we TRY our very best to live by! Our fights used to last days - a week or more. My method of anger would be silence. Since I was quiet and he would yell, I just considered him to be the bad guy. He was the yell and that made him mean in my book since it would make me cry and scared. Well, my anger was passive aggressive and just as mean. It took years to look inside and see that I need to learn to NOT be silent but pick a time to talk and not blame, but share my feelings!
Healthy Rules of Engagement
1. No yelling
2. No Anger
3. No Always, Never (extreme) statements
4. No bringing up events/situations further back than 3 days- PAST IS A NO NO!!
5. No "discussions" around the children
6. If 1 of us asks for a "break" and to come back and talk, then we agree and don't push it
7. Repeat back feeling statements
8. Separate Facts & Feelings. Those are normally 2 different conversations
9. No "telling" friends our dirty laundry unless we both agree on an issue to share
10. Do not say "I am OK, when you are not" Honestly ALWAYS!
11. TIMING, is one of the biggest factors in a smooth discussion!
12. HALT: Check if one of these may be setting you off, if so, HALT the conversation! It will go south quickly! HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY TIRED
I think those are the main ones we TRY our very best to live by! Our fights used to last days - a week or more. My method of anger would be silence. Since I was quiet and he would yell, I just considered him to be the bad guy. He was the yell and that made him mean in my book since it would make me cry and scared. Well, my anger was passive aggressive and just as mean. It took years to look inside and see that I need to learn to NOT be silent but pick a time to talk and not blame, but share my feelings!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Day #12 - Love Lets the Other Win - Nicole
I have been waiting 4 days for a disagreement to occur that I could follow through!! I have a little one, so I think I will be grateful nothing larger is on my plate right now.
The issue was in parenting our 10yr old son. He received a game system for Christmas that he wanted for a year and it has brought us some disagreements with our son and at times, with each other. This issue was in regards to a game he wants. I was not sure if I thought this game was appropriate for our son. I want to protect him, his heart and mind as mommy! It's hard to let go and hand him over to daddy. As you can imagine, our son cried & I tried to help him see my view because I am Mom. As Andy said "I talked it to death". Andy waited until the children were in bed to bring to my attention that it would be better to give him time to process and think about the situation after a simple explination. Give him time to deal with it in his own way. Then when we sit down with him, he will have a clear mind and be able to understand. I was pushing this little one to understand and I wanted him to be happy with my decision. We both agreed that we need to help them understand but the happiness & gratitude may come late, much later!
What did it cost me? BEING WRONG!!!! That is hard. For the fist 8 years of being parents I was the main caregiver & disciplinarian and it is time that Andy desperately wants to be involved and I need to step aside and allow him to be Daddy in good times and bad, even if I would handle it different. I learned that my way is not always the way things need to be done. When it comes to boys, he does know more than me. He also remembers situations he was in with his parents and how he wished it was handle differently and he has a chance to impact his children in this way. I feel closer to Andy when I was able to come under his leadership and direction. It sure took the burden off me and I felt protected!!! Lesson: I should do this more and in different areas in our marriage! God clearly showed me that this situation had nothing to do with a game but gave us opportunity to learn how to communicate with each other and our son! What a blessing!!
The issue was in parenting our 10yr old son. He received a game system for Christmas that he wanted for a year and it has brought us some disagreements with our son and at times, with each other. This issue was in regards to a game he wants. I was not sure if I thought this game was appropriate for our son. I want to protect him, his heart and mind as mommy! It's hard to let go and hand him over to daddy. As you can imagine, our son cried & I tried to help him see my view because I am Mom. As Andy said "I talked it to death". Andy waited until the children were in bed to bring to my attention that it would be better to give him time to process and think about the situation after a simple explination. Give him time to deal with it in his own way. Then when we sit down with him, he will have a clear mind and be able to understand. I was pushing this little one to understand and I wanted him to be happy with my decision. We both agreed that we need to help them understand but the happiness & gratitude may come late, much later!
What did it cost me? BEING WRONG!!!! That is hard. For the fist 8 years of being parents I was the main caregiver & disciplinarian and it is time that Andy desperately wants to be involved and I need to step aside and allow him to be Daddy in good times and bad, even if I would handle it different. I learned that my way is not always the way things need to be done. When it comes to boys, he does know more than me. He also remembers situations he was in with his parents and how he wished it was handle differently and he has a chance to impact his children in this way. I feel closer to Andy when I was able to come under his leadership and direction. It sure took the burden off me and I felt protected!!! Lesson: I should do this more and in different areas in our marriage! God clearly showed me that this situation had nothing to do with a game but gave us opportunity to learn how to communicate with each other and our son! What a blessing!!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Day #11 - Love Cherishes - Nicole
The story today about "the hand" really made me think. If I were to break my hand badly would I cut it off or would I get to the best hospital & get it fixed so it worked just as well as before? Now in relation to marriage, what does it look like for me to "cut off Andy" or what does it look like to repair the situation? I can say, YES! We went through some major surgeries to repair this marriage. The recovery was often painful, the rehab was tiresome because we would have to do the same "exercise" over and over until we were strong enough to do it on our own!
I sure do cherish Andy! I think I need to take a look into how he would enjoy being cherished though. It is easy for me to cherish Andy with the simple things like doing his laundry, cooking a meal, making sure bills are paid (actions) but to HIM....I know that he feels ultimately cherished with I put everything aside and make a special time for us (time)and our intimacy! Our schedules can get in the way of prioritizing time together and intimacy in our marriage and that is just not right. I looked at my things to accomplish in a day and cherishing Andy was not on that list...so it will be on my daily list, not of chores and to do's but the list of blessings!
Saturday my mom had the kids and we had some time alone in our home, that never happens! Then we were able to go to a movie and just be together. I put all else aside but him for a portion of the day and it was a real treat to both of us! Cherishing Andy ended up being a blessing for both of us and it was a great start to the week!
I was sent an email this morning from my mentor and it made me think about when I cherish Andy and why. I am still processing this so I will just let you read it. Here is a small portion of what I read, I will put the entire article in the comments section if you are interested in reading the entire article.
Rick Warren said:
"Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into an other one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness"
I sure do cherish Andy! I think I need to take a look into how he would enjoy being cherished though. It is easy for me to cherish Andy with the simple things like doing his laundry, cooking a meal, making sure bills are paid (actions) but to HIM....I know that he feels ultimately cherished with I put everything aside and make a special time for us (time)and our intimacy! Our schedules can get in the way of prioritizing time together and intimacy in our marriage and that is just not right. I looked at my things to accomplish in a day and cherishing Andy was not on that list...so it will be on my daily list, not of chores and to do's but the list of blessings!
Saturday my mom had the kids and we had some time alone in our home, that never happens! Then we were able to go to a movie and just be together. I put all else aside but him for a portion of the day and it was a real treat to both of us! Cherishing Andy ended up being a blessing for both of us and it was a great start to the week!
I was sent an email this morning from my mentor and it made me think about when I cherish Andy and why. I am still processing this so I will just let you read it. Here is a small portion of what I read, I will put the entire article in the comments section if you are interested in reading the entire article.
Rick Warren said:
"Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into an other one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness"
Monday, January 12, 2009
Day #10 - Love is Unconditional - Nicole
Today is good! I had the day to be home and accomplish a long list of to do's when Andy came home and asked me to lunch. What a treat but I had all this "time" to accomplish so much without the children home. Then within a second I knew that the first thing on my list is to do something for Andy that showed him I loved him, this was it! I could put all aside and be with him, spending time together! It was a joy and I loved every minute at lunch.
Great question today: Has your love in the past been based on your spouses attributes and behavior or on your commitment? Well, it is hard to admit but it was ALL based on his performance and behavior. I would dictate how nice I would be to him, if I made him a nice meal, if I did "his" laundry or if we would make love based on what he did for me. I was horrible. As I look back, I am shamed by my behavior and cycles of immaturity as an adult. I thought if I would be difficult he would change. If I stopped making life "good" for him that he would be motivated to do better. Obviously the direct opposite happened to us.
Well, 11 years later, I can say that YES, I love Andy based on my commitment to him and nothing will change that, Ever! It was hard for me to change my behaviors that were impacting us so negatively until I saw the real change. The real change happened in my heart because it stopped focusing on changing Andy but changing me. Then to my amazement, Andy began a journey that is a miracle but it had to start with me. I believe that because God allowed Andy to see and hear him instead of me once I finally moved out of his way.
I still have to choose to love! We are human and still make mistakes. Andy can still do some things that get under my skin and I choose to love him and look to God for the guidance. I know that I can make him crazy also and he too has chosen to love me though my "moments". There are plenty of situations that we have to make serious choices about in life. 3 years ago I stood at the door looking at a divorce or to choose love and I am thrilled beyond measure that I choose to LOVE! I pray that because I choose to love Andy, that my children will see the example of Mommy & Daddy , that they too will choose to love their spouses like I love their Dad!
Great question today: Has your love in the past been based on your spouses attributes and behavior or on your commitment? Well, it is hard to admit but it was ALL based on his performance and behavior. I would dictate how nice I would be to him, if I made him a nice meal, if I did "his" laundry or if we would make love based on what he did for me. I was horrible. As I look back, I am shamed by my behavior and cycles of immaturity as an adult. I thought if I would be difficult he would change. If I stopped making life "good" for him that he would be motivated to do better. Obviously the direct opposite happened to us.
Well, 11 years later, I can say that YES, I love Andy based on my commitment to him and nothing will change that, Ever! It was hard for me to change my behaviors that were impacting us so negatively until I saw the real change. The real change happened in my heart because it stopped focusing on changing Andy but changing me. Then to my amazement, Andy began a journey that is a miracle but it had to start with me. I believe that because God allowed Andy to see and hear him instead of me once I finally moved out of his way.
I still have to choose to love! We are human and still make mistakes. Andy can still do some things that get under my skin and I choose to love him and look to God for the guidance. I know that I can make him crazy also and he too has chosen to love me though my "moments". There are plenty of situations that we have to make serious choices about in life. 3 years ago I stood at the door looking at a divorce or to choose love and I am thrilled beyond measure that I choose to LOVE! I pray that because I choose to love Andy, that my children will see the example of Mommy & Daddy , that they too will choose to love their spouses like I love their Dad!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Day #9 - Love Makes Good Impressions - Nicole
Impressions..I admit that I have a real easy time putting on a great attitude to anyone even when things are bad except for my family. Now, I have come a long way in this area but can always work harder! Andy would say many times, "How can you be so happy and nice to your friends and be so rude to me?" I was taken back by that comment until I chose to listen to myself in my talk and responses. He was right, I was being 2 different people. It came so easy to be nice to everyone but my family. I was just difficult because my expectations were not being met so I reflected that in my attitude... ouch, but that is raw honesty.
I liked the question: How do you meet your friends, co-workers and neighbors? Well, when I meet with mine, do I start talking about me? my feelings, my family, what is happening in my life, my favorite things, just anything about ME or I am asking the questions? How much do I "really" know about them? Have I chosen to care or I am working on making my self look good to make a good impression? As I have thought about this today, I see that I need to ask more questions. I need to learn more about them and care more about them...that is an impression that will last...that I cared, not to talk but to listen to them and actually hear what they say.
Which leads to my thought...How much time do I think about how I can love Andy in a new way? Just like dinner, we do not make the same meal night after night, it will get boring...How can my greeting brighten his day? What would he enjoy? Maybe a good laugh, maybe romantic or maybe a surprise! Creativity is my shortcoming, so this is a challenge that take more than a day to think of, but I am starting to brainstorm, if you have a good one, please let me know!!!
Anyways, Andy is still sick (in urgent care today) and I have gotten the "illness" so we are a real pair but I wanted to continue with my dare tonight!! I heard the garage door, grabbed my 10 year old Andrew and said, "When Daddy comes through the door, say with me, We love you and we are glad you are home while we were jumping up ad down with excitement" It's all I could muster up with feeling so terrible. He laughed as hard as he could manage without coughing to hard... then I gave him a big hug and just told him I loved him then asked how his apt went. It was a good moment. About 15 min later he said... You know that you could greet me in the same way alone in our bedroom sometime.... WOW! And I thought he was sick!!!! So, I know what would be a surprising way for me to greet my man!
I like the challenge of what will be my new way to greet Andy. Well, I think I could do a better job at putting down what I am doing and loving on him for a few minutes. I will take the opportunity to learn something new about him on our next time away! Which will be in February. We will be in Hershey,PA the weekend of Valentines day at the Family Life Conference. If you will be there, please come see us, we will be representing the table for Tim Kimmel with Raising Truly Great Kids! If you need a boost to your marriage, it is a great investment...the conference is amazing! It would be a treat to meet you!
Side note:
As you can see, we are taking a little time between the dares. For me, I can be the person that will do it just to check it off the list and not take time to really process. In this 40 Days, I am choosing to allow this to impact my heart. I know if I push through too fast, nothing will stick. I want this dares to stick so that I can allow God to change my sinful patterns! Our dare may take a bit longer than 40 days but I know that I will remember my dares and hopefully etch some good things on ours hearts while I Choose to Love!
I liked the question: How do you meet your friends, co-workers and neighbors? Well, when I meet with mine, do I start talking about me? my feelings, my family, what is happening in my life, my favorite things, just anything about ME or I am asking the questions? How much do I "really" know about them? Have I chosen to care or I am working on making my self look good to make a good impression? As I have thought about this today, I see that I need to ask more questions. I need to learn more about them and care more about them...that is an impression that will last...that I cared, not to talk but to listen to them and actually hear what they say.
Which leads to my thought...How much time do I think about how I can love Andy in a new way? Just like dinner, we do not make the same meal night after night, it will get boring...How can my greeting brighten his day? What would he enjoy? Maybe a good laugh, maybe romantic or maybe a surprise! Creativity is my shortcoming, so this is a challenge that take more than a day to think of, but I am starting to brainstorm, if you have a good one, please let me know!!!
Anyways, Andy is still sick (in urgent care today) and I have gotten the "illness" so we are a real pair but I wanted to continue with my dare tonight!! I heard the garage door, grabbed my 10 year old Andrew and said, "When Daddy comes through the door, say with me, We love you and we are glad you are home while we were jumping up ad down with excitement" It's all I could muster up with feeling so terrible. He laughed as hard as he could manage without coughing to hard... then I gave him a big hug and just told him I loved him then asked how his apt went. It was a good moment. About 15 min later he said... You know that you could greet me in the same way alone in our bedroom sometime.... WOW! And I thought he was sick!!!! So, I know what would be a surprising way for me to greet my man!
I like the challenge of what will be my new way to greet Andy. Well, I think I could do a better job at putting down what I am doing and loving on him for a few minutes. I will take the opportunity to learn something new about him on our next time away! Which will be in February. We will be in Hershey,PA the weekend of Valentines day at the Family Life Conference. If you will be there, please come see us, we will be representing the table for Tim Kimmel with Raising Truly Great Kids! If you need a boost to your marriage, it is a great investment...the conference is amazing! It would be a treat to meet you!
Side note:
As you can see, we are taking a little time between the dares. For me, I can be the person that will do it just to check it off the list and not take time to really process. In this 40 Days, I am choosing to allow this to impact my heart. I know if I push through too fast, nothing will stick. I want this dares to stick so that I can allow God to change my sinful patterns! Our dare may take a bit longer than 40 days but I know that I will remember my dares and hopefully etch some good things on ours hearts while I Choose to Love!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Day #8 - Love is Not Jealous - Nicole
Quick update, Andy has been in bed for 5 days with the flu and now a horrible head cold, so I am continuing on and he will catch up soon! He can't concentrate much less read and take a dare right now!
Jealousy...Living in Scottsdale, Arizona we are surrounded by people that OWN everything but HAVE nothing. It took me years to see this. Of course, I feel trap to the envy cycle. I would want more, get more and then be in debt for all that I got. The cycle hurt us financially and relationally.
2 years ago, once I began to open my eyes to what really mattered in life my perspective started to change. It was not things that were making me happy, they were actually what I became a slave to. I was never satisfied and wanted more, trying to fill that empty spot. It was probably similar to an addiction. I would talk about ALL that others HAD. I would see their bank accounts overflowing and mine was just paying the bills. My new perspective began when I placed my eyes on Jesus! He was all I needed to fill me! I did not need a new shirt, a new something for the house or a new car... I just needed to place my eyes on him. It was hard at first to be honest. I was so self focused and being envious and jealous only made me more focused on me. Today, I am not a slave to the things of the world but I have to keep tabs on my thoughts daily. Since it was a pattern of the past, I know that Satan would love to creep in and steel this part of me again, so I will stay sharp and keep focus outward not inward.
With Andy though, I was not jealous. I trusted him and did not question him. We both let our guard down and that lead to the affairs. We have since put up some boundaries that we both follow.
#1: We do not build relationships with people of the opposite sex.
#2: We do not talk on the phone or email or text with the opposite sex unless it is for business reasons.
#3: We will not have a meal with someone of the opposite sex unless there is a 3rd party there with us (this way there is never a question)
#4: We tell each other everything that is going on in our life, there are NO secrets!!!
#5: We are allowed to ask questions if we ever feel uneasy about a situation and out of respect we answer very truthfully.
I am Andy's biggest fan! He has overcome alcoholism, heart attack, his affair, my affair, all my idiosyncrasies and has embraced fatherhood which has made him a great Dad! I could do better with expressing my excitement for him, so that is a challenge I will move forward with!
I loved destroying the bad list! It is so empowering, when I shared my testimony I did the same exercise with a group of women. Some cried because they wanted to hold onto the power they thought they had (I did for years) but there is more power in the blood of Jesus, we can do all things through Christ that strengthens ME!
Jealousy...Living in Scottsdale, Arizona we are surrounded by people that OWN everything but HAVE nothing. It took me years to see this. Of course, I feel trap to the envy cycle. I would want more, get more and then be in debt for all that I got. The cycle hurt us financially and relationally.
2 years ago, once I began to open my eyes to what really mattered in life my perspective started to change. It was not things that were making me happy, they were actually what I became a slave to. I was never satisfied and wanted more, trying to fill that empty spot. It was probably similar to an addiction. I would talk about ALL that others HAD. I would see their bank accounts overflowing and mine was just paying the bills. My new perspective began when I placed my eyes on Jesus! He was all I needed to fill me! I did not need a new shirt, a new something for the house or a new car... I just needed to place my eyes on him. It was hard at first to be honest. I was so self focused and being envious and jealous only made me more focused on me. Today, I am not a slave to the things of the world but I have to keep tabs on my thoughts daily. Since it was a pattern of the past, I know that Satan would love to creep in and steel this part of me again, so I will stay sharp and keep focus outward not inward.
With Andy though, I was not jealous. I trusted him and did not question him. We both let our guard down and that lead to the affairs. We have since put up some boundaries that we both follow.
#1: We do not build relationships with people of the opposite sex.
#2: We do not talk on the phone or email or text with the opposite sex unless it is for business reasons.
#3: We will not have a meal with someone of the opposite sex unless there is a 3rd party there with us (this way there is never a question)
#4: We tell each other everything that is going on in our life, there are NO secrets!!!
#5: We are allowed to ask questions if we ever feel uneasy about a situation and out of respect we answer very truthfully.
I am Andy's biggest fan! He has overcome alcoholism, heart attack, his affair, my affair, all my idiosyncrasies and has embraced fatherhood which has made him a great Dad! I could do better with expressing my excitement for him, so that is a challenge I will move forward with!
I loved destroying the bad list! It is so empowering, when I shared my testimony I did the same exercise with a group of women. Some cried because they wanted to hold onto the power they thought they had (I did for years) but there is more power in the blood of Jesus, we can do all things through Christ that strengthens ME!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Day #7 - Love Believes the Best - Nicole
I love that God will give us a dare that seems impossible to complete on that day!! I woke up yesterday with an anxious heart & mind. With Christmas behind us there is the clean up and get ready to go back to school and work. I think I hit a mild depression and just wanted everything to be perfect, but nothing was. I could find NO Best in anything. Andy was not my problem but the to do list was! Unfortunately, I had an attitude that stunk.
So I sat to make my list and of course the negative list came right out. I had a harder time with the positives. I took a time out, grabbed my bible and read John. I read some stories about the miracles Jesus did and took a short time to pray and ask God to work on my heart. Then Andy was so nice and just started to jump in and help me accomplish the never ending list! The positive came and of course out weighed the negatives. Now 3 years ago, the ways I could change Andy to fit what I wanted would have been about 20 pages but I have learned through much counseling that I am the one that needs the changing. I need to focus on all the good that he brings to our marriage and be grateful. Especially since we have come so far!!!!
Last night and today I thanked Andy for all he did. Just knowing that he was working along side me was a huge help! My love language is acts of service so that is probably why it meant so much because he said he did not do much~ Isn't that funny!
Sorry the post took a bit again, We took a little vacation to the snow and entertained over the holiday so we did not have time to put the dare on our plate too! We have learned when you pile your plate full you fail...and there is no worse feeling that being a failure~ So thank you for your patience with us!
Happy New Year!!!
So I sat to make my list and of course the negative list came right out. I had a harder time with the positives. I took a time out, grabbed my bible and read John. I read some stories about the miracles Jesus did and took a short time to pray and ask God to work on my heart. Then Andy was so nice and just started to jump in and help me accomplish the never ending list! The positive came and of course out weighed the negatives. Now 3 years ago, the ways I could change Andy to fit what I wanted would have been about 20 pages but I have learned through much counseling that I am the one that needs the changing. I need to focus on all the good that he brings to our marriage and be grateful. Especially since we have come so far!!!!
Last night and today I thanked Andy for all he did. Just knowing that he was working along side me was a huge help! My love language is acts of service so that is probably why it meant so much because he said he did not do much~ Isn't that funny!
Sorry the post took a bit again, We took a little vacation to the snow and entertained over the holiday so we did not have time to put the dare on our plate too! We have learned when you pile your plate full you fail...and there is no worse feeling that being a failure~ So thank you for your patience with us!
Happy New Year!!!
Day #6 - Love is Not Irritable - Andy
My schedule is not my problem but in each situation that arises. I had struggled with anger in the past and have had to learn some new ways to react or just not too. When I feel like I am getting irritated with Nicole or the kids the first thing I do is take it to God. I have to ask him to tame my attitude and reactions. I have to see if I have played a part in the "issue" and stay focused on my part and not what is going to change her. I have prayed in the past for Nicole's mentor to come along side her to help understand me and that has been great~
I am more irritable with the children when they will not obey. I tend to get upset and then yell when all has hit the fan. At the moment I feel like I am helping to control the situation but that only adds fuel to the fire. It hurts the kids and just piles another wound onto them. Yelling had nothing to do with teaching and correcting them, that is what I need to do at that time. So once again, before I hit the irritated button I have to plead with God for direction and "breathing room" or margin as the book called it.
I am more irritable with the children when they will not obey. I tend to get upset and then yell when all has hit the fan. At the moment I feel like I am helping to control the situation but that only adds fuel to the fire. It hurts the kids and just piles another wound onto them. Yelling had nothing to do with teaching and correcting them, that is what I need to do at that time. So once again, before I hit the irritated button I have to plead with God for direction and "breathing room" or margin as the book called it.
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