I have been waiting 4 days for a disagreement to occur that I could follow through!! I have a little one, so I think I will be grateful nothing larger is on my plate right now.
The issue was in parenting our 10yr old son. He received a game system for Christmas that he wanted for a year and it has brought us some disagreements with our son and at times, with each other. This issue was in regards to a game he wants. I was not sure if I thought this game was appropriate for our son. I want to protect him, his heart and mind as mommy! It's hard to let go and hand him over to daddy. As you can imagine, our son cried & I tried to help him see my view because I am Mom. As Andy said "I talked it to death". Andy waited until the children were in bed to bring to my attention that it would be better to give him time to process and think about the situation after a simple explination. Give him time to deal with it in his own way. Then when we sit down with him, he will have a clear mind and be able to understand. I was pushing this little one to understand and I wanted him to be happy with my decision. We both agreed that we need to help them understand but the happiness & gratitude may come late, much later!
What did it cost me? BEING WRONG!!!! That is hard. For the fist 8 years of being parents I was the main caregiver & disciplinarian and it is time that Andy desperately wants to be involved and I need to step aside and allow him to be Daddy in good times and bad, even if I would handle it different. I learned that my way is not always the way things need to be done. When it comes to boys, he does know more than me. He also remembers situations he was in with his parents and how he wished it was handle differently and he has a chance to impact his children in this way. I feel closer to Andy when I was able to come under his leadership and direction. It sure took the burden off me and I felt protected!!! Lesson: I should do this more and in different areas in our marriage! God clearly showed me that this situation had nothing to do with a game but gave us opportunity to learn how to communicate with each other and our son! What a blessing!!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Day #11 - Love Cherishes - Nicole
The story today about "the hand" really made me think. If I were to break my hand badly would I cut it off or would I get to the best hospital & get it fixed so it worked just as well as before? Now in relation to marriage, what does it look like for me to "cut off Andy" or what does it look like to repair the situation? I can say, YES! We went through some major surgeries to repair this marriage. The recovery was often painful, the rehab was tiresome because we would have to do the same "exercise" over and over until we were strong enough to do it on our own!
I sure do cherish Andy! I think I need to take a look into how he would enjoy being cherished though. It is easy for me to cherish Andy with the simple things like doing his laundry, cooking a meal, making sure bills are paid (actions) but to HIM....I know that he feels ultimately cherished with I put everything aside and make a special time for us (time)and our intimacy! Our schedules can get in the way of prioritizing time together and intimacy in our marriage and that is just not right. I looked at my things to accomplish in a day and cherishing Andy was not on that list...so it will be on my daily list, not of chores and to do's but the list of blessings!
Saturday my mom had the kids and we had some time alone in our home, that never happens! Then we were able to go to a movie and just be together. I put all else aside but him for a portion of the day and it was a real treat to both of us! Cherishing Andy ended up being a blessing for both of us and it was a great start to the week!
I was sent an email this morning from my mentor and it made me think about when I cherish Andy and why. I am still processing this so I will just let you read it. Here is a small portion of what I read, I will put the entire article in the comments section if you are interested in reading the entire article.
Rick Warren said:
"Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into an other one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness"
I sure do cherish Andy! I think I need to take a look into how he would enjoy being cherished though. It is easy for me to cherish Andy with the simple things like doing his laundry, cooking a meal, making sure bills are paid (actions) but to HIM....I know that he feels ultimately cherished with I put everything aside and make a special time for us (time)and our intimacy! Our schedules can get in the way of prioritizing time together and intimacy in our marriage and that is just not right. I looked at my things to accomplish in a day and cherishing Andy was not on that list...so it will be on my daily list, not of chores and to do's but the list of blessings!
Saturday my mom had the kids and we had some time alone in our home, that never happens! Then we were able to go to a movie and just be together. I put all else aside but him for a portion of the day and it was a real treat to both of us! Cherishing Andy ended up being a blessing for both of us and it was a great start to the week!
I was sent an email this morning from my mentor and it made me think about when I cherish Andy and why. I am still processing this so I will just let you read it. Here is a small portion of what I read, I will put the entire article in the comments section if you are interested in reading the entire article.
Rick Warren said:
"Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into an other one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness"
Monday, January 12, 2009
Day #10 - Love is Unconditional - Nicole
Today is good! I had the day to be home and accomplish a long list of to do's when Andy came home and asked me to lunch. What a treat but I had all this "time" to accomplish so much without the children home. Then within a second I knew that the first thing on my list is to do something for Andy that showed him I loved him, this was it! I could put all aside and be with him, spending time together! It was a joy and I loved every minute at lunch.
Great question today: Has your love in the past been based on your spouses attributes and behavior or on your commitment? Well, it is hard to admit but it was ALL based on his performance and behavior. I would dictate how nice I would be to him, if I made him a nice meal, if I did "his" laundry or if we would make love based on what he did for me. I was horrible. As I look back, I am shamed by my behavior and cycles of immaturity as an adult. I thought if I would be difficult he would change. If I stopped making life "good" for him that he would be motivated to do better. Obviously the direct opposite happened to us.
Well, 11 years later, I can say that YES, I love Andy based on my commitment to him and nothing will change that, Ever! It was hard for me to change my behaviors that were impacting us so negatively until I saw the real change. The real change happened in my heart because it stopped focusing on changing Andy but changing me. Then to my amazement, Andy began a journey that is a miracle but it had to start with me. I believe that because God allowed Andy to see and hear him instead of me once I finally moved out of his way.
I still have to choose to love! We are human and still make mistakes. Andy can still do some things that get under my skin and I choose to love him and look to God for the guidance. I know that I can make him crazy also and he too has chosen to love me though my "moments". There are plenty of situations that we have to make serious choices about in life. 3 years ago I stood at the door looking at a divorce or to choose love and I am thrilled beyond measure that I choose to LOVE! I pray that because I choose to love Andy, that my children will see the example of Mommy & Daddy , that they too will choose to love their spouses like I love their Dad!
Great question today: Has your love in the past been based on your spouses attributes and behavior or on your commitment? Well, it is hard to admit but it was ALL based on his performance and behavior. I would dictate how nice I would be to him, if I made him a nice meal, if I did "his" laundry or if we would make love based on what he did for me. I was horrible. As I look back, I am shamed by my behavior and cycles of immaturity as an adult. I thought if I would be difficult he would change. If I stopped making life "good" for him that he would be motivated to do better. Obviously the direct opposite happened to us.
Well, 11 years later, I can say that YES, I love Andy based on my commitment to him and nothing will change that, Ever! It was hard for me to change my behaviors that were impacting us so negatively until I saw the real change. The real change happened in my heart because it stopped focusing on changing Andy but changing me. Then to my amazement, Andy began a journey that is a miracle but it had to start with me. I believe that because God allowed Andy to see and hear him instead of me once I finally moved out of his way.
I still have to choose to love! We are human and still make mistakes. Andy can still do some things that get under my skin and I choose to love him and look to God for the guidance. I know that I can make him crazy also and he too has chosen to love me though my "moments". There are plenty of situations that we have to make serious choices about in life. 3 years ago I stood at the door looking at a divorce or to choose love and I am thrilled beyond measure that I choose to LOVE! I pray that because I choose to love Andy, that my children will see the example of Mommy & Daddy , that they too will choose to love their spouses like I love their Dad!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Day #9 - Love Makes Good Impressions - Nicole
Impressions..I admit that I have a real easy time putting on a great attitude to anyone even when things are bad except for my family. Now, I have come a long way in this area but can always work harder! Andy would say many times, "How can you be so happy and nice to your friends and be so rude to me?" I was taken back by that comment until I chose to listen to myself in my talk and responses. He was right, I was being 2 different people. It came so easy to be nice to everyone but my family. I was just difficult because my expectations were not being met so I reflected that in my attitude... ouch, but that is raw honesty.
I liked the question: How do you meet your friends, co-workers and neighbors? Well, when I meet with mine, do I start talking about me? my feelings, my family, what is happening in my life, my favorite things, just anything about ME or I am asking the questions? How much do I "really" know about them? Have I chosen to care or I am working on making my self look good to make a good impression? As I have thought about this today, I see that I need to ask more questions. I need to learn more about them and care more about them...that is an impression that will last...that I cared, not to talk but to listen to them and actually hear what they say.
Which leads to my thought...How much time do I think about how I can love Andy in a new way? Just like dinner, we do not make the same meal night after night, it will get boring...How can my greeting brighten his day? What would he enjoy? Maybe a good laugh, maybe romantic or maybe a surprise! Creativity is my shortcoming, so this is a challenge that take more than a day to think of, but I am starting to brainstorm, if you have a good one, please let me know!!!
Anyways, Andy is still sick (in urgent care today) and I have gotten the "illness" so we are a real pair but I wanted to continue with my dare tonight!! I heard the garage door, grabbed my 10 year old Andrew and said, "When Daddy comes through the door, say with me, We love you and we are glad you are home while we were jumping up ad down with excitement" It's all I could muster up with feeling so terrible. He laughed as hard as he could manage without coughing to hard... then I gave him a big hug and just told him I loved him then asked how his apt went. It was a good moment. About 15 min later he said... You know that you could greet me in the same way alone in our bedroom sometime.... WOW! And I thought he was sick!!!! So, I know what would be a surprising way for me to greet my man!
I like the challenge of what will be my new way to greet Andy. Well, I think I could do a better job at putting down what I am doing and loving on him for a few minutes. I will take the opportunity to learn something new about him on our next time away! Which will be in February. We will be in Hershey,PA the weekend of Valentines day at the Family Life Conference. If you will be there, please come see us, we will be representing the table for Tim Kimmel with Raising Truly Great Kids! If you need a boost to your marriage, it is a great investment...the conference is amazing! It would be a treat to meet you!
Side note:
As you can see, we are taking a little time between the dares. For me, I can be the person that will do it just to check it off the list and not take time to really process. In this 40 Days, I am choosing to allow this to impact my heart. I know if I push through too fast, nothing will stick. I want this dares to stick so that I can allow God to change my sinful patterns! Our dare may take a bit longer than 40 days but I know that I will remember my dares and hopefully etch some good things on ours hearts while I Choose to Love!
I liked the question: How do you meet your friends, co-workers and neighbors? Well, when I meet with mine, do I start talking about me? my feelings, my family, what is happening in my life, my favorite things, just anything about ME or I am asking the questions? How much do I "really" know about them? Have I chosen to care or I am working on making my self look good to make a good impression? As I have thought about this today, I see that I need to ask more questions. I need to learn more about them and care more about them...that is an impression that will last...that I cared, not to talk but to listen to them and actually hear what they say.
Which leads to my thought...How much time do I think about how I can love Andy in a new way? Just like dinner, we do not make the same meal night after night, it will get boring...How can my greeting brighten his day? What would he enjoy? Maybe a good laugh, maybe romantic or maybe a surprise! Creativity is my shortcoming, so this is a challenge that take more than a day to think of, but I am starting to brainstorm, if you have a good one, please let me know!!!
Anyways, Andy is still sick (in urgent care today) and I have gotten the "illness" so we are a real pair but I wanted to continue with my dare tonight!! I heard the garage door, grabbed my 10 year old Andrew and said, "When Daddy comes through the door, say with me, We love you and we are glad you are home while we were jumping up ad down with excitement" It's all I could muster up with feeling so terrible. He laughed as hard as he could manage without coughing to hard... then I gave him a big hug and just told him I loved him then asked how his apt went. It was a good moment. About 15 min later he said... You know that you could greet me in the same way alone in our bedroom sometime.... WOW! And I thought he was sick!!!! So, I know what would be a surprising way for me to greet my man!
I like the challenge of what will be my new way to greet Andy. Well, I think I could do a better job at putting down what I am doing and loving on him for a few minutes. I will take the opportunity to learn something new about him on our next time away! Which will be in February. We will be in Hershey,PA the weekend of Valentines day at the Family Life Conference. If you will be there, please come see us, we will be representing the table for Tim Kimmel with Raising Truly Great Kids! If you need a boost to your marriage, it is a great investment...the conference is amazing! It would be a treat to meet you!
Side note:
As you can see, we are taking a little time between the dares. For me, I can be the person that will do it just to check it off the list and not take time to really process. In this 40 Days, I am choosing to allow this to impact my heart. I know if I push through too fast, nothing will stick. I want this dares to stick so that I can allow God to change my sinful patterns! Our dare may take a bit longer than 40 days but I know that I will remember my dares and hopefully etch some good things on ours hearts while I Choose to Love!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Day #8 - Love is Not Jealous - Nicole
Quick update, Andy has been in bed for 5 days with the flu and now a horrible head cold, so I am continuing on and he will catch up soon! He can't concentrate much less read and take a dare right now!
Jealousy...Living in Scottsdale, Arizona we are surrounded by people that OWN everything but HAVE nothing. It took me years to see this. Of course, I feel trap to the envy cycle. I would want more, get more and then be in debt for all that I got. The cycle hurt us financially and relationally.
2 years ago, once I began to open my eyes to what really mattered in life my perspective started to change. It was not things that were making me happy, they were actually what I became a slave to. I was never satisfied and wanted more, trying to fill that empty spot. It was probably similar to an addiction. I would talk about ALL that others HAD. I would see their bank accounts overflowing and mine was just paying the bills. My new perspective began when I placed my eyes on Jesus! He was all I needed to fill me! I did not need a new shirt, a new something for the house or a new car... I just needed to place my eyes on him. It was hard at first to be honest. I was so self focused and being envious and jealous only made me more focused on me. Today, I am not a slave to the things of the world but I have to keep tabs on my thoughts daily. Since it was a pattern of the past, I know that Satan would love to creep in and steel this part of me again, so I will stay sharp and keep focus outward not inward.
With Andy though, I was not jealous. I trusted him and did not question him. We both let our guard down and that lead to the affairs. We have since put up some boundaries that we both follow.
#1: We do not build relationships with people of the opposite sex.
#2: We do not talk on the phone or email or text with the opposite sex unless it is for business reasons.
#3: We will not have a meal with someone of the opposite sex unless there is a 3rd party there with us (this way there is never a question)
#4: We tell each other everything that is going on in our life, there are NO secrets!!!
#5: We are allowed to ask questions if we ever feel uneasy about a situation and out of respect we answer very truthfully.
I am Andy's biggest fan! He has overcome alcoholism, heart attack, his affair, my affair, all my idiosyncrasies and has embraced fatherhood which has made him a great Dad! I could do better with expressing my excitement for him, so that is a challenge I will move forward with!
I loved destroying the bad list! It is so empowering, when I shared my testimony I did the same exercise with a group of women. Some cried because they wanted to hold onto the power they thought they had (I did for years) but there is more power in the blood of Jesus, we can do all things through Christ that strengthens ME!
Jealousy...Living in Scottsdale, Arizona we are surrounded by people that OWN everything but HAVE nothing. It took me years to see this. Of course, I feel trap to the envy cycle. I would want more, get more and then be in debt for all that I got. The cycle hurt us financially and relationally.
2 years ago, once I began to open my eyes to what really mattered in life my perspective started to change. It was not things that were making me happy, they were actually what I became a slave to. I was never satisfied and wanted more, trying to fill that empty spot. It was probably similar to an addiction. I would talk about ALL that others HAD. I would see their bank accounts overflowing and mine was just paying the bills. My new perspective began when I placed my eyes on Jesus! He was all I needed to fill me! I did not need a new shirt, a new something for the house or a new car... I just needed to place my eyes on him. It was hard at first to be honest. I was so self focused and being envious and jealous only made me more focused on me. Today, I am not a slave to the things of the world but I have to keep tabs on my thoughts daily. Since it was a pattern of the past, I know that Satan would love to creep in and steel this part of me again, so I will stay sharp and keep focus outward not inward.
With Andy though, I was not jealous. I trusted him and did not question him. We both let our guard down and that lead to the affairs. We have since put up some boundaries that we both follow.
#1: We do not build relationships with people of the opposite sex.
#2: We do not talk on the phone or email or text with the opposite sex unless it is for business reasons.
#3: We will not have a meal with someone of the opposite sex unless there is a 3rd party there with us (this way there is never a question)
#4: We tell each other everything that is going on in our life, there are NO secrets!!!
#5: We are allowed to ask questions if we ever feel uneasy about a situation and out of respect we answer very truthfully.
I am Andy's biggest fan! He has overcome alcoholism, heart attack, his affair, my affair, all my idiosyncrasies and has embraced fatherhood which has made him a great Dad! I could do better with expressing my excitement for him, so that is a challenge I will move forward with!
I loved destroying the bad list! It is so empowering, when I shared my testimony I did the same exercise with a group of women. Some cried because they wanted to hold onto the power they thought they had (I did for years) but there is more power in the blood of Jesus, we can do all things through Christ that strengthens ME!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Day #7 - Love Believes the Best - Nicole
I love that God will give us a dare that seems impossible to complete on that day!! I woke up yesterday with an anxious heart & mind. With Christmas behind us there is the clean up and get ready to go back to school and work. I think I hit a mild depression and just wanted everything to be perfect, but nothing was. I could find NO Best in anything. Andy was not my problem but the to do list was! Unfortunately, I had an attitude that stunk.
So I sat to make my list and of course the negative list came right out. I had a harder time with the positives. I took a time out, grabbed my bible and read John. I read some stories about the miracles Jesus did and took a short time to pray and ask God to work on my heart. Then Andy was so nice and just started to jump in and help me accomplish the never ending list! The positive came and of course out weighed the negatives. Now 3 years ago, the ways I could change Andy to fit what I wanted would have been about 20 pages but I have learned through much counseling that I am the one that needs the changing. I need to focus on all the good that he brings to our marriage and be grateful. Especially since we have come so far!!!!
Last night and today I thanked Andy for all he did. Just knowing that he was working along side me was a huge help! My love language is acts of service so that is probably why it meant so much because he said he did not do much~ Isn't that funny!
Sorry the post took a bit again, We took a little vacation to the snow and entertained over the holiday so we did not have time to put the dare on our plate too! We have learned when you pile your plate full you fail...and there is no worse feeling that being a failure~ So thank you for your patience with us!
Happy New Year!!!
So I sat to make my list and of course the negative list came right out. I had a harder time with the positives. I took a time out, grabbed my bible and read John. I read some stories about the miracles Jesus did and took a short time to pray and ask God to work on my heart. Then Andy was so nice and just started to jump in and help me accomplish the never ending list! The positive came and of course out weighed the negatives. Now 3 years ago, the ways I could change Andy to fit what I wanted would have been about 20 pages but I have learned through much counseling that I am the one that needs the changing. I need to focus on all the good that he brings to our marriage and be grateful. Especially since we have come so far!!!!
Last night and today I thanked Andy for all he did. Just knowing that he was working along side me was a huge help! My love language is acts of service so that is probably why it meant so much because he said he did not do much~ Isn't that funny!
Sorry the post took a bit again, We took a little vacation to the snow and entertained over the holiday so we did not have time to put the dare on our plate too! We have learned when you pile your plate full you fail...and there is no worse feeling that being a failure~ So thank you for your patience with us!
Happy New Year!!!
Day #6 - Love is Not Irritable - Andy
My schedule is not my problem but in each situation that arises. I had struggled with anger in the past and have had to learn some new ways to react or just not too. When I feel like I am getting irritated with Nicole or the kids the first thing I do is take it to God. I have to ask him to tame my attitude and reactions. I have to see if I have played a part in the "issue" and stay focused on my part and not what is going to change her. I have prayed in the past for Nicole's mentor to come along side her to help understand me and that has been great~
I am more irritable with the children when they will not obey. I tend to get upset and then yell when all has hit the fan. At the moment I feel like I am helping to control the situation but that only adds fuel to the fire. It hurts the kids and just piles another wound onto them. Yelling had nothing to do with teaching and correcting them, that is what I need to do at that time. So once again, before I hit the irritated button I have to plead with God for direction and "breathing room" or margin as the book called it.
I am more irritable with the children when they will not obey. I tend to get upset and then yell when all has hit the fan. At the moment I feel like I am helping to control the situation but that only adds fuel to the fire. It hurts the kids and just piles another wound onto them. Yelling had nothing to do with teaching and correcting them, that is what I need to do at that time. So once again, before I hit the irritated button I have to plead with God for direction and "breathing room" or margin as the book called it.
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