Time goes by fast! I am back on track today.
Healthy Rules of Engagement
1. No yelling
2. No Anger
3. No Always, Never (extreme) statements
4. No bringing up events/situations further back than 3 days- PAST IS A NO NO!!
5. No "discussions" around the children
6. If 1 of us asks for a "break" and to come back and talk, then we agree and don't push it
7. Repeat back feeling statements
8. Separate Facts & Feelings. Those are normally 2 different conversations
9. No "telling" friends our dirty laundry unless we both agree on an issue to share
10. Do not say "I am OK, when you are not" Honestly ALWAYS!
11. TIMING, is one of the biggest factors in a smooth discussion!
12. HALT: Check if one of these may be setting you off, if so, HALT the conversation! It will go south quickly! HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY TIRED
I think those are the main ones we TRY our very best to live by! Our fights used to last days - a week or more. My method of anger would be silence. Since I was quiet and he would yell, I just considered him to be the bad guy. He was the yell and that made him mean in my book since it would make me cry and scared. Well, my anger was passive aggressive and just as mean. It took years to look inside and see that I need to learn to NOT be silent but pick a time to talk and not blame, but share my feelings!
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