Day #4 - Love is Thoughtful - Nicole

I agree with Andy, this was surprisingly hard for us on Sunday! I have been struggling with Andy smoking & I allowed my self to get wound up with that. I finally realized Sunday morning that I needed to share my feelings. I needed not to change him or ask him to change but rather tell him what is on my heart and why my desire is for him to be released from that addiction. I prayed before I shared and did my best to use feeling words and be aware of his feelings. He has wanted to quit since his heart attack last valentines day but the addiction seems to over take him or life circumstances seem to go in a downward spiral each time he tries. He has quit other addictions but this is the last one and the hold is so strong. I know I need to commit this to prayer for him daily, I have failed to do that, so I have some work to do there~

Since I had been focused on ME the past 3 days and MY feelings about his strong hold, it is obvious to me that I need to rework my idea of thoughtfulness. My heart is in a wonderful place, I want him to quit so he will have a long healthy life with our family, but it seems that I focus on my thoughts and feelings rather that think about all he has been through emotionally & physically. How scared he has been and how much he wants to end that addiction. I know that I can't change him since I am a classic codependent! What I can do is pray for God to help him, for me to love him unconditionally and to allow my responses to Andy to be filled with truth & grace. I tend to leave out the grace.

By the time our company left last night I realized I did not fulfill my dare of doing a thoughtful act. I remembered earlier in the day that Andy mentioned his right had was in pain from all the work he has been performing at his clients home, so I rubbed his hand & arm & chest, just to give him a little TLC before the week starts. It was not a "home run" for me today, but I will try better tomorrow.

What Andy did for me though was awesome. I had asked him in the morning that I would appreciate him looking at our home "list" and if he could get a task or 2 done, I would be grateful and he did! He even wiped my counters before our company came. He was thoughtful today with me. He did honor me when I shared my feelings. He did not fix me or justify his addiction. We have been through so much counseling in the past years that we have many tools that we are finally using in our marriage!

We apologize for not posting for a couple days. We had some unforeseen situations come up that we needed to tend to, thank you for your patience. I hope this is an example for you, don't give up if you miss a day or so, jump back in and continue your dare!