Life is a marathon not a sprint! That is a mouthful for me. I am a sprinter, I like things done quickly and correctly. Unfortunately that is hard to be accomplished in a family of 5. Everyone has their own schedule and life does not evolve around me...selfishness like they mention on page 27. On most days I can handle my "mood" pretty well but on my days that I "choose" to loose control, my home is not peaceful and I know it's because of me. I am not a yeller or aggressive but I can be demanding. I will become so driven then I will mow down anyone insight, especially my family.
The question asked today was where to add margin, for me, I know it is when those times come I need to be still, go to God and ask him to take control and I have to release mine. The triggers for me are disorder, too much on the to do list, panic about Andy's addictions, children's behavior, and over commitment. I am grateful for this challenge so I can search my heart next time I feel out of control and then OVER control the household to a point of relentless irritability.
My fabulous mentor challenges me with my "list" that I seem to always have running. What if something is not completed? What if it stays on the list a little longer? Does it really matter? Is it worth me loosing my cool over it? My mood seems to set the temperature for the household, so am I willing to bring down everyone in the home over what ever that item is?
I am human, and sometimes I do everything to get the list to disappear. My motivation is control. Now my list is like most other moms: grocery, laundry, errands, house cleaning, bills and what ever else comes along,which seems to be a lot. Since I went back to work months ago, I struggle to get the list done, have quality family time and good meals on the table. So today I am deciding to not let my list control me! I am making a choice to control the list and choose to love my family first, especially Andy! This weekend I messed up and did a massive Christmas list focus and at 8:30p realized I had not fulfilled a promise to Andy. So I got my head together and pulled off the surprise and I think he was thrilled! Irritability is a choice and I think that is a gift Andy would love this year, for me to choose to NOT be irritable!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Day #5 - Love is Not Rude - Andy & Nicole
Well, we decided not to complete the dare as it was written. We both have quite a few things that we constantly work on, so we are continuing on those vs. adding more to our list.
Being rude is not a huge challenge for the 2 of us today but it sure was in the past! I know that I, Nicole, made plenty of rude remarks to Andy during our 8 year battle. I would put him down with everything from his lack of parenting, to drinking too much, smoking too much, his language, to his unwillingness to want to change! I was down right rude & disrespectful and never apologized. I have since learned to choose a time and place that is peaceful. I come to Andy sharing only my feelings about the situation and not asking him to change even though it kills me not too. Expectations lead to further resentments! That is one thing I learned in Celebrate Recovery that I seem to use daily with my marriage and our children.
I have to say that Andy has made leaps and bounds forward in this area in the past 3 years! He was very critical and rude to me about intimacy. He seemed to make plenty of rude comments of the "lack of intimacy" that we had. They were comments that dug real deep. I would resent him for each comment and it only drove me away. He never shared his heart and what he was truly wanting to communicate, which was that he loved me and wanted us to connect and be together. Today he is amazing. I never thought he would be so tender to me as he is today, there is hope no matter how bad it is!!!
We both did a good job at wounding one another pretty badly. I think that, at times, each of us thought we could never get out of that insanity. It sure is easier today but we both have to think about our words and when we share them.
Thanks for being patient with us one again. All I have to say is, Christmas!!!
Being rude is not a huge challenge for the 2 of us today but it sure was in the past! I know that I, Nicole, made plenty of rude remarks to Andy during our 8 year battle. I would put him down with everything from his lack of parenting, to drinking too much, smoking too much, his language, to his unwillingness to want to change! I was down right rude & disrespectful and never apologized. I have since learned to choose a time and place that is peaceful. I come to Andy sharing only my feelings about the situation and not asking him to change even though it kills me not too. Expectations lead to further resentments! That is one thing I learned in Celebrate Recovery that I seem to use daily with my marriage and our children.
I have to say that Andy has made leaps and bounds forward in this area in the past 3 years! He was very critical and rude to me about intimacy. He seemed to make plenty of rude comments of the "lack of intimacy" that we had. They were comments that dug real deep. I would resent him for each comment and it only drove me away. He never shared his heart and what he was truly wanting to communicate, which was that he loved me and wanted us to connect and be together. Today he is amazing. I never thought he would be so tender to me as he is today, there is hope no matter how bad it is!!!
We both did a good job at wounding one another pretty badly. I think that, at times, each of us thought we could never get out of that insanity. It sure is easier today but we both have to think about our words and when we share them.
Thanks for being patient with us one again. All I have to say is, Christmas!!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Day #4 - Love is Thoughtful - Nicole
I agree with Andy, this was surprisingly hard for us on Sunday! I have been struggling with Andy smoking & I allowed my self to get wound up with that. I finally realized Sunday morning that I needed to share my feelings. I needed not to change him or ask him to change but rather tell him what is on my heart and why my desire is for him to be released from that addiction. I prayed before I shared and did my best to use feeling words and be aware of his feelings. He has wanted to quit since his heart attack last valentines day but the addiction seems to over take him or life circumstances seem to go in a downward spiral each time he tries. He has quit other addictions but this is the last one and the hold is so strong. I know I need to commit this to prayer for him daily, I have failed to do that, so I have some work to do there~
Since I had been focused on ME the past 3 days and MY feelings about his strong hold, it is obvious to me that I need to rework my idea of thoughtfulness. My heart is in a wonderful place, I want him to quit so he will have a long healthy life with our family, but it seems that I focus on my thoughts and feelings rather that think about all he has been through emotionally & physically. How scared he has been and how much he wants to end that addiction. I know that I can't change him since I am a classic codependent! What I can do is pray for God to help him, for me to love him unconditionally and to allow my responses to Andy to be filled with truth & grace. I tend to leave out the grace.
By the time our company left last night I realized I did not fulfill my dare of doing a thoughtful act. I remembered earlier in the day that Andy mentioned his right had was in pain from all the work he has been performing at his clients home, so I rubbed his hand & arm & chest, just to give him a little TLC before the week starts. It was not a "home run" for me today, but I will try better tomorrow.
What Andy did for me though was awesome. I had asked him in the morning that I would appreciate him looking at our home "list" and if he could get a task or 2 done, I would be grateful and he did! He even wiped my counters before our company came. He was thoughtful today with me. He did honor me when I shared my feelings. He did not fix me or justify his addiction. We have been through so much counseling in the past years that we have many tools that we are finally using in our marriage!
We apologize for not posting for a couple days. We had some unforeseen situations come up that we needed to tend to, thank you for your patience. I hope this is an example for you, don't give up if you miss a day or so, jump back in and continue your dare!
Since I had been focused on ME the past 3 days and MY feelings about his strong hold, it is obvious to me that I need to rework my idea of thoughtfulness. My heart is in a wonderful place, I want him to quit so he will have a long healthy life with our family, but it seems that I focus on my thoughts and feelings rather that think about all he has been through emotionally & physically. How scared he has been and how much he wants to end that addiction. I know that I can't change him since I am a classic codependent! What I can do is pray for God to help him, for me to love him unconditionally and to allow my responses to Andy to be filled with truth & grace. I tend to leave out the grace.
By the time our company left last night I realized I did not fulfill my dare of doing a thoughtful act. I remembered earlier in the day that Andy mentioned his right had was in pain from all the work he has been performing at his clients home, so I rubbed his hand & arm & chest, just to give him a little TLC before the week starts. It was not a "home run" for me today, but I will try better tomorrow.
What Andy did for me though was awesome. I had asked him in the morning that I would appreciate him looking at our home "list" and if he could get a task or 2 done, I would be grateful and he did! He even wiped my counters before our company came. He was thoughtful today with me. He did honor me when I shared my feelings. He did not fix me or justify his addiction. We have been through so much counseling in the past years that we have many tools that we are finally using in our marriage!
We apologize for not posting for a couple days. We had some unforeseen situations come up that we needed to tend to, thank you for your patience. I hope this is an example for you, don't give up if you miss a day or so, jump back in and continue your dare!
Day #4 - Love is Thoughtful - Andy
Just like love, thoughtfulness takes work for me. I have to remember it is not just my "thought" that counts. I have to put it into action. That can be hard. We all have demands each day that can drain all the energy that we have and to "do" one more thing can seem like a task vs. an act of thoughtfulness.
Nicole had a list of things that had been needing attention around the house and I got to one today. It did not take a lot of time and it is great to have one off the list. I also got the kitchen cleaned since we had company coming while Nicole had went to do the shopping for dinner.
This was a challenge to be honest... we are both spread thin with working so much and having 3 children that need us also.
Nicole had a list of things that had been needing attention around the house and I got to one today. It did not take a lot of time and it is great to have one off the list. I also got the kitchen cleaned since we had company coming while Nicole had went to do the shopping for dinner.
This was a challenge to be honest... we are both spread thin with working so much and having 3 children that need us also.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Day #3 - Love is Not Selfish - Andy & Nicole
Today we are commenting together! Sorry this is late. There has been a lot happening in the Asmus home in the past 24 hours, not with us personally but with relationships around us that we cherish. So thank you for being patient with us.
Neither of us thought that a "gift" was the answer for us. We lived our life so focused on "things" that we agreed that our gift to one another was time & talking! That is the biggest gift that we can share with one another. We spent over 8 years of our marriage with minimal communication. When we did talk and when we did it was about the kids, money or what bothered us about one another. We were full of selfish desires that we wanted met and blamed one another when it was not done.
We have had time to talk about everything in the past day!! Things that really matter like the salvation of 1 friend, meeting with a friend that is saving her marriage, caring for a friend in a crisis. All those are things that we can talk about, pray about and ask God to use us in his way to help love on those people and bring others into their life that can impact them. We then got to talk about our family, talk about our intimacy, talk about doing this Dare and best of all laughing together!
We did not laugh together very often until about a year ago. We just did not know how to "let some things go"! I took everything so serious and made a big deal about everything, once again, it was all about ME! I since have learned a life lesson... SERVICE OPPORTUNITY! Example: If Andy leaves his shoes out, I can pray for his feet as they walk to/from work, to keep his walk with Christ healthy, to keep him active so his body stays healthy! I used to nag and complain..but this has a much greater eternal reward than having shoes picked up. I may still ask him to help tidy up, but in a much sweeter and kinder way.
The question in this dare: What happened when we gave our "gift"? I was able to be grateful for Andy even more today! So thankful that we chose to stick it out through the affairs, alcoholism, codependency, control, 8 surgeries, a heart attack and just outright selfish horrifying lifestyle for 8 years. Today I see that to remove my selfish thoughts (which I give to God daily still ) gained me a godly marriage that Christ is the center of. When Andy & I remarried on Oct 2, 2005 is when we gave our marriage to Christ, we would not be here married without that intricate detail!
I love you so much Andy!!!
Neither of us thought that a "gift" was the answer for us. We lived our life so focused on "things" that we agreed that our gift to one another was time & talking! That is the biggest gift that we can share with one another. We spent over 8 years of our marriage with minimal communication. When we did talk and when we did it was about the kids, money or what bothered us about one another. We were full of selfish desires that we wanted met and blamed one another when it was not done.
We have had time to talk about everything in the past day!! Things that really matter like the salvation of 1 friend, meeting with a friend that is saving her marriage, caring for a friend in a crisis. All those are things that we can talk about, pray about and ask God to use us in his way to help love on those people and bring others into their life that can impact them. We then got to talk about our family, talk about our intimacy, talk about doing this Dare and best of all laughing together!
We did not laugh together very often until about a year ago. We just did not know how to "let some things go"! I took everything so serious and made a big deal about everything, once again, it was all about ME! I since have learned a life lesson... SERVICE OPPORTUNITY! Example: If Andy leaves his shoes out, I can pray for his feet as they walk to/from work, to keep his walk with Christ healthy, to keep him active so his body stays healthy! I used to nag and complain..but this has a much greater eternal reward than having shoes picked up. I may still ask him to help tidy up, but in a much sweeter and kinder way.
The question in this dare: What happened when we gave our "gift"? I was able to be grateful for Andy even more today! So thankful that we chose to stick it out through the affairs, alcoholism, codependency, control, 8 surgeries, a heart attack and just outright selfish horrifying lifestyle for 8 years. Today I see that to remove my selfish thoughts (which I give to God daily still ) gained me a godly marriage that Christ is the center of. When Andy & I remarried on Oct 2, 2005 is when we gave our marriage to Christ, we would not be here married without that intricate detail!
I love you so much Andy!!!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Day #2 - Love is Kind - Nicole
I am so glad that we have taken this dare. We both are so busy with work and family that it is easy to loose sight of one another and our kindness. I love the fact that this book is making me think about my actions & thoughts. I took the day to think, what would Andy appreciate today, no matter the cost to me... A Back Massage!! I had no clue that he would be in an attic all day and really need the time to relax and be pampered!
When I came home from work I had no clue what was up Andy's sleeve. It was such a blessing to have my Kitchen cleaned up, dinner made, dished cleared from the table and my dishwasher cleaned and repaired! My love language is acts of service, so this was such a huge blessing! It was helpful and so KIND!!! I do have to say, that a lot of nights, Andy does already do all my dishes and cleans up the kitchen without me asking. He has stepped up to help me since I went back to work 3 months ago. He has made me feel so appreciated, cared for and cherished just by simple acts of kindness.
So, when he was done with his amazing job in our kitchen I was able to tell me I was ready for my dare!! He was delighted I believe! He rubs my back many nights a week and I realized that selfishly I do not reciprocate nearly enough. I know that he would love it and he probably needs it more than I do.
You know 3 years ago, none of this would have happened. We were both so selfish and focused on our self and all the ways that we were not making each other happy. I was taking Andy's inventory daily and making him out to be such a failure to me. I refused to see good in anything that he did because I was keeping a tally of his wrongs. I was in such a bad place, that even when he did something nice, I considered it manipulation. So I chose never to see Andy's heart. I am so glad today, that we have made it through 2 years of weekly counseling to help me look into what I can do to change me. What I can do to be a good wife and mom. About 2 1/2 years ago I got a mentor named Kimberly. She walked me through a book called Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney. It helped me see what it means to be a godly wife! Then my friend Brook mentored me for about a year. And now a friend named Tracy is mentoring me. She took me though a book called The Invisible Bond that changed my life also because it had me deal with my past hurts! The reason I mention all these situations is because God used each one of them to chip away at my tough exterior that blinded me to kindness, giving or receiving.
I am so grateful that I am learning, each day still, to be more kind!
When I came home from work I had no clue what was up Andy's sleeve. It was such a blessing to have my Kitchen cleaned up, dinner made, dished cleared from the table and my dishwasher cleaned and repaired! My love language is acts of service, so this was such a huge blessing! It was helpful and so KIND!!! I do have to say, that a lot of nights, Andy does already do all my dishes and cleans up the kitchen without me asking. He has stepped up to help me since I went back to work 3 months ago. He has made me feel so appreciated, cared for and cherished just by simple acts of kindness.
So, when he was done with his amazing job in our kitchen I was able to tell me I was ready for my dare!! He was delighted I believe! He rubs my back many nights a week and I realized that selfishly I do not reciprocate nearly enough. I know that he would love it and he probably needs it more than I do.
You know 3 years ago, none of this would have happened. We were both so selfish and focused on our self and all the ways that we were not making each other happy. I was taking Andy's inventory daily and making him out to be such a failure to me. I refused to see good in anything that he did because I was keeping a tally of his wrongs. I was in such a bad place, that even when he did something nice, I considered it manipulation. So I chose never to see Andy's heart. I am so glad today, that we have made it through 2 years of weekly counseling to help me look into what I can do to change me. What I can do to be a good wife and mom. About 2 1/2 years ago I got a mentor named Kimberly. She walked me through a book called Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney. It helped me see what it means to be a godly wife! Then my friend Brook mentored me for about a year. And now a friend named Tracy is mentoring me. She took me though a book called The Invisible Bond that changed my life also because it had me deal with my past hurts! The reason I mention all these situations is because God used each one of them to chip away at my tough exterior that blinded me to kindness, giving or receiving.
I am so grateful that I am learning, each day still, to be more kind!
Day #2 - Love is Kind - Andy
Love does not just happen, it's a choice! It takes a lot of hard work but the return is greater than I can imagine. Although the return is not always what I think it should be. God knows what I need and what is right for me at that time, it;s my choice to accept it.
I took the dare in a way that I knew Nicole would love, Making Dinner & Cleaning!! Last night, I marinated some ribs then tonight Barbecued the ribs & made 2 sides. We had great family talk at the dinner table with our kids, we even got to celebrate our oldest son bringing up 2 grades! It was such a peaceful nice meal. When we were done, I enlisted the boys to help clear the table & I did the dishes. As I was going to load the dishwasher I noticed that it really needed some cleaning on the interior, so I took about an hour to get the hard water out of it. I had no clue that job would be so hard!!! But what I did not know is that Nicole's Dare was to follow, a Back Massage!!! That was more than needed after I spent the day in the attic at my clients house!
Kindness is me being patient, understanding and putting my needs aside. It is putting my families needs before mine.
I took the dare in a way that I knew Nicole would love, Making Dinner & Cleaning!! Last night, I marinated some ribs then tonight Barbecued the ribs & made 2 sides. We had great family talk at the dinner table with our kids, we even got to celebrate our oldest son bringing up 2 grades! It was such a peaceful nice meal. When we were done, I enlisted the boys to help clear the table & I did the dishes. As I was going to load the dishwasher I noticed that it really needed some cleaning on the interior, so I took about an hour to get the hard water out of it. I had no clue that job would be so hard!!! But what I did not know is that Nicole's Dare was to follow, a Back Massage!!! That was more than needed after I spent the day in the attic at my clients house!
Kindness is me being patient, understanding and putting my needs aside. It is putting my families needs before mine.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Day #1 - Love is Patient - Nicole
Today was good but I hardly saw Andy. We both worked all day then I had to attend class tonight. So, being patient was easy today!
But it's not easy everyday. I struggle with control so being patient is not the norm for me. I have to think before I say and do most everything. I have to make a conscience effort not to manipulate situations to go my way so it "looks" like I am being patient. Being patient to me means that I have to put Andy's needs and interests above mine. I need to allow him to be human and love him even when I don't agree with a behavior/decision, just as Christ does for me!
Patience also means that I need to look inside me and check if I have a true need/feeling or if I am looking to fill a selfish desire. I am learning to choose the right time and place to talk to Andy when I have needs/feelings that I would like to share or process. If I am running low on patience I normally know that there is another feeling that needs to be revealed. I search my heart for what feelings are hurting then see what the root cause may be. Most of the time I have something going on in my heart that needs a little TLC. I am thankful that God has enough patience with me to give me TLC every time I need it!
But it's not easy everyday. I struggle with control so being patient is not the norm for me. I have to think before I say and do most everything. I have to make a conscience effort not to manipulate situations to go my way so it "looks" like I am being patient. Being patient to me means that I have to put Andy's needs and interests above mine. I need to allow him to be human and love him even when I don't agree with a behavior/decision, just as Christ does for me!
Patience also means that I need to look inside me and check if I have a true need/feeling or if I am looking to fill a selfish desire. I am learning to choose the right time and place to talk to Andy when I have needs/feelings that I would like to share or process. If I am running low on patience I normally know that there is another feeling that needs to be revealed. I search my heart for what feelings are hurting then see what the root cause may be. Most of the time I have something going on in my heart that needs a little TLC. I am thankful that God has enough patience with me to give me TLC every time I need it!
Day #1 - Love is Patient - Andy
What I thought about today is how God has patience with me. How I am to be Christ like. This is hard for me because I want to have control of so many aspects of my own life. When I try to have the control it begins to fall apart.
The journey that God is taking me on I am learning to trust and be patient with his timing which is teaching me to be patient with my wife and other parts of my life. I struggle with being patient with Nicole in the area of intimacy. I am doing my better with dealing with my feelings rather than resorting to angry outbursts. When I used anger in my marriage nothing good came of it.
Today was a good day!
The journey that God is taking me on I am learning to trust and be patient with his timing which is teaching me to be patient with my wife and other parts of my life. I struggle with being patient with Nicole in the area of intimacy. I am doing my better with dealing with my feelings rather than resorting to angry outbursts. When I used anger in my marriage nothing good came of it.
Today was a good day!
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We are beginning our 40 day love dare journey and we are very excited to share our thoughts and experiences with you!
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